For the Autumn Equinox yesterday I did nothing. Or. A boy invited me to dinner so that’s what I were doing. It was horrible. This fine Sunday morning however, my sister and I decided to have a little celebration in the forest. It didn’t exactly turn out as we hoped but then again it usually doesn’t when my sister and I actually tries to plan something. We ended up having a picnic on a mountain. But the only thing we had to eat was apples and some cookies we found (we were going to bake our own cookies but that went to hell). It was nice anyway. It was beautiful, chilly and sunny. The first day of Autumn. After the picnic we went looking for adventures. We climbed another mountain and found the most awesome half-cave. We also found some rocks that we were both convinced were trolls in disguise. It was great to spend a few hours in the forest with just my sister and her puppy.
Autumn is upon us, or as I like to call it, death is upon us (I have a melodramatic personality). I wish I were one of those people who find death beautiful and fascinating, unfortunately it mostly scares me. A lot of people always tell me that “death is natural, it’s nothing to fear” etcetera. It doesn’t work. Of course death is scary. Humans are supposed to avoid it, therefore we fear it. That’s natural. Autumn always reminds me about death. Mostly the non-peaceful kind. I can’t sleep because I’m obsessed with checking my heartbeats. Are they to fast? To slow? This year I made a promise to confront death. I must admit my progress so far has been, um, non-existing. I’m searching for good meditations because I’m pretty bad at making up my own.
My feelings for autumn are diverse. I don’t like the darkness but I love the cold. I love being able to breath again. Hot summers isn’t my cup of tea. Mostly I long for winter. For the frost and the snow. Imagine if winter and spring were the only seasons. That would be my utopia. But now I’m avoiding the subject. Death. Why do people always have to make it scarier than it should be? Who invented the idea of the purgatory? Who invented the idea of paradise? Who invented the idea of reincarnation? This might sound weird but all of those scares me equally. Why do I let this take up so much of my time? If I stopped thinking about death all the time I would have so much time to think about other things.
I try to find positive things about death. If I’m dead I can’t have Multiple Sclerosis for example. If I’m dead I probably don’t have to be nice to idiots. If I’m dead I don’t have to worry about future and economy. It’s not working very well. For every positive thing, I can come up with five negative. But then again, I’ve only worked on this for two weeks. It might work, but slowly.
Ps. Can you be reincarnated on a different planet by the way? I’ve been thinking about that for so long.
I have always been a scared person. I am afraid of cars so I will never get a driving license. I’m afraid of buses and trains to so when I’m going somewhere I either bike or take one of the countless ferries we have in Sweden. Of some reason I’m not afraid of boats, even though I was once caught in a hurricane in the ocean outside Athens, Greece.
I am afraid of all dogs bigger than a cocker spaniel. It doesn’t matter if they look at me sweetly, ignore me or bark at me. I judge them equally anyway. When I was 14 years old I ran of to Thailand with one of my friends. We lived in a locals outhouse and one morning there was a tiger in their garden. I wasn’t afraid then. Or any other morning during the time we stayed there.
I am afraid of death but only, it seems, when it is not actually present. when I’m in a situation where I actually have reason to fear my life I get all sorts of feelings, but not fear. When there’s a tiger 2 metres away from you it’s sort of practical to feel fear. It’s not practical when you’re lying in you’re bed and start thinking about heart attacks. It’s only in moments like the second I get panic attacks, and it is starting to become a serious problem. I can’t sleep any more. I can’t live like a normal human being. Because there are all sort of ridiculous things I have to avoid to not freak out.
The fall is here, the world is dying. I always get really depressed during the fall but this time I’m going to use this season to come to terms with death. Because no matter what I do or feel about it I will die in the end. Everyone and everything do.