Autumn is upon us, or as I like to call it, death is upon us (I have a melodramatic personality). I wish I were one of those people who find death beautiful and fascinating, unfortunately it mostly scares me. A lot of people always tell me that “death is natural, it’s nothing to fear” etcetera. It doesn’t work. Of course death is scary. Humans are supposed to avoid it, therefore we fear it. That’s natural. Autumn always reminds me about death. Mostly the non-peaceful kind. I can’t sleep because I’m obsessed with checking my heartbeats. Are they to fast? To slow? This year I made a promise to confront death. I must admit my progress so far has been, um, non-existing. I’m searching for good meditations because I’m pretty bad at making up my own.
My feelings for autumn are diverse. I don’t like the darkness but I love the cold. I love being able to breath again. Hot summers isn’t my cup of tea. Mostly I long for winter. For the frost and the snow. Imagine if winter and spring were the only seasons. That would be my utopia. But now I’m avoiding the subject. Death. Why do people always have to make it scarier than it should be? Who invented the idea of the purgatory? Who invented the idea of paradise? Who invented the idea of reincarnation? This might sound weird but all of those scares me equally. Why do I let this take up so much of my time? If I stopped thinking about death all the time I would have so much time to think about other things.
I try to find positive things about death. If I’m dead I can’t have Multiple Sclerosis for example. If I’m dead I probably don’t have to be nice to idiots. If I’m dead I don’t have to worry about future and economy. It’s not working very well. For every positive thing, I can come up with five negative. But then again, I’ve only worked on this for two weeks. It might work, but slowly.
Ps. Can you be reincarnated on a different planet by the way? I’ve been thinking about that for so long.