Where all fears comes from

I have always been a scared person. I am afraid of cars so I will never get a driving license. I’m afraid of buses and trains to so when I’m going somewhere I either bike or take one of the countless ferries we have in Sweden. Of some reason I’m not afraid of boats, even though I was once caught in a hurricane in the ocean outside Athens, Greece.

I am afraid of all dogs bigger than a cocker spaniel. It doesn’t matter if they look at me sweetly, ignore me or bark at me. I judge them equally anyway. When I was 14 years old I ran of to Thailand with one of my friends. We lived in a locals outhouse and one morning there was a tiger in their garden. I wasn’t afraid then. Or any other morning during the time we stayed there.

I am afraid of death but only, it seems, when it is not actually present. when I’m in a situation where I actually have reason to fear my life I get all sorts of feelings, but not fear. When there’s a tiger 2 metres away from you it’s sort of practical to feel fear. It’s not practical when you’re lying in you’re bed and start thinking about heart attacks. It’s only in moments like the second I get panic attacks, and it is starting to become a serious problem. I can’t sleep any more. I can’t live like a normal human being.  Because there are all sort of ridiculous things I have to avoid to not freak out.

The fall is here, the world is dying. I always get really depressed during the fall but this time I’m going to use this season to come to terms with death. Because no matter what I do or feel about it I will die in the end. Everyone and everything do.

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4 thoughts on “Where all fears comes from

    • Now there’s something I should probably write on my arm! I try to remember this but every time the fears really kicks in my brain goes into it’s completely blanc panic-mode. Thanks for the advice though, I shall keep it! (:

      • anytime……. i used to be self imprisoned, like i didn’t know how to say no or what i wanted , all out of fear that i might lose friends or sometimes even lovers…

        the day i said my first no…. was the first day to the beginning of my life….

        i wish you well, and i am still reading along

  1. Pingback: Hello Death | Count on the Birds

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